Wings and Roots

Now is the time of year when college seniors are visiting the colleges they have been accepted to, to decide which one to choose. The decision can be agonizing.

“Where will I be happiest?”
“Where will I feel at home?”
“Can I live in a dorm that has no air conditioning?”
“What will I eat if there is no pizzeria withing walking distance?”
“Do I really need 3 Starbucks within 1 block of my dorm?”
“The people at the school seemed really nice - I can see myself here”
“That guide was really weird - is everyone at this school like that?”

In the end, there will be one place that just feels right, and that is the right choice. But are our kids really ready? They have taken challeging courses in high school, they’ve learned how to study; maybe they even konw how to make a bed and (!) do laundry (maybe not on that one). But there are a few things that they do not learn in school:

- How to mail a letter (no the pre-k trip to the post office doesn’t cut it)
- How to do laundry in a washing machine that is different from the one at home
- How to buy something with a debit card
- How to deposit a check in the bank (and banks are not open on Sunday afternoons!)
- How to change a light bulb
- How frequently do you wash a comforter?
- Does peanut butter need to be refrigerated? What about bread?
- There are so many vitamins in CVS - which ones should I buy?

So many of the day to day things that we do without thinking are new adventures for our kids. But, they learn quickly and, with a little guidance from Mom & Dad, somehow manage to do quite well!

I attended a very informative seminar on Social Media, given by Hilary Topper and her staff at HJMT Communications. Although I knew a bit about social media, especially Facebook, I learned a lot more at this seminar. It got me thinking about how I first got myself into this whole social media thing. A few months ago someone said to me “you really should have a look at your kids’ Facebook pages - yes, they have Facebook pages!” So I logged onto this Facebook thing, and created an account so I could find my kids (happy to say, everything seemed on the up and up - nothing inappropriate). At first I felt funny, hanging out in this virtual place that was (or so I thought) really just for kids. But I got the bug and set up a Facebook page anyway.

Gradually, I found friends and they found me - at first, mostly people that I know from around Long Beach. Then, something amazing happened - one at a time, I started finding people I was friends with in elementary through high school, as well as college. What a trip to reconnect with people from my past! It really brought a smile to my face to see old friends again and see what they are up to now. One old friend even has a son at the same college as my son - both freshmen! Although I live in New York now, and have Long Beach sand in my shoes, my roots still  go back to New Jersey (where we go “down the shore”, love Bruce Springsteen and don’t pump our own gas! I think that wherever you end up as an adult, your childhood roots are still a real part of who you are!

How many school projects have you “helped” your child with over the years? How many dioramas and posters and reports have you been a part of? I think that we have all been in the position of finding out that a project was “due tomorrow” and joined the mad frenzy to complete it.  There is a fine line between helping your child and doing their work for them - one that is sometimes easy to cross because we want our children to succeed.

Does this same “involvement” find its way to college prep? I have found that, in some cases, it does. Two years ago, when we first started looking at colleges with my son, Michael, college admissions officers used the term “helicopter parents”. I had never heard it before (I think that it refers to parents who “hover” over their kids during the college application process, being too involved and over-controlling things). I thought “oh no- am I one of those parents?” I really tried to evaluate my role in my son’s college application process. I am happy to say that I think that we were not “helicopter” parents (maybe we were “satellite” parents - we kept an eye on the whole thing, but tried not to hover). After numerous college visits, he was the one who decided where he wanted to apply, and which school was his first choice (UPenn - where he applied early decision). He used the online tools at Collegeboard.com to keep track of everything he needed. He brought the forms into the guidance office (alright - maybe I also called the guidance counselor a few times to make sure that everything would get to the admissions office by the application deadline). And most importantly - he wrote his own application essay. When he showed it to us (we proofread it for him), the essay was SO my son’s voice - the voice of an earnest, sincere, intelligent 17 year old kid. It blew us away! When his application was ready to send, we checked it over for him to make sure everything was correct; he sent an application that truly reflected him. I am happy to say that the admissions office at Penn had the same opinion, and he is in his freshman year at Penn.

When our kids go off to college, they will have to rely on themselves to manage their schoolwork (and to a large exent, their lives). They wll need to know that they are capable and competent. The college application process is probably a good time to let them start practicing those skills. Have some faith - they can do it!

College… It really starts around 11th grade with SATs, SAT2’s, and guidance meetings about getting into college. But it becomes real when the college visits start. Our first visit was a day trip to Connecticut, during the spring of Michael’s junior year. Over the next few months, we made our way to Philadelphia, New Jersey, Washington, Boston and points in between. Visiting colleges and sitting in the information sessions, thinking that Michael was really going away to college was very strange - very hard to believe. But I really enjoyed all of those road trips we made. We spent quality time together (anyone with teenagers knows that the car is one of the best places to talk!) and had some adventures, including blowing a tire exiting the Washington Beltway on the way to Georgetown (thank goodness for AAA) and forgetting where we parked our car when we visited George Washington, only to finally find it, with a parking ticket, only moments away from being towed! Needless to say, Michael did not end up going to school in Washington D.C.

There were also some funny experiences, such as noticing that EVERYONE who walked into the information session at Boston University was really tall, and the GPS failing us a few times (not funny at the time, but funny looking back).

I am very grateful that I was able to spend that time with Michael, and be involved in his college selection process.

College… there’s more…

College..
They start talking about it in Middle School. When my son was in 6th or 7th grade, one of the teachers at back-to-school nite started rattling off the whole course load our children would be required to take for the “college track” through their senior year in HS. If they didn’t follow that track, well, they might as well just drop out now. All I could think was, “college? college? He’s still a baby!” It is all a little too much, especially in Middle School, where they even let some kids take the SAT’s. As my son said, why would someone want to take the SAT before they have to?

The whole college thing comes soon enough without starting so early. Before you know it, guidance counselors are talking about AP, PSAT, SAT, ACT, SAT2, FAFSA, CSS. There is no need to hurry our children along even more. The most important thing is that they enjoy themselves and be kids as long as they can.

More about our “college” experience in future posts. Stay tuned…

My first election memory involving Michael is the November 1990 election (governor and some other political offices, which I don’t remember). Michael was about 2 months old. While I was standing in line to vote, holding Michael, a poll worker came up to him and asked him “what do you think of the candidates?” As if on cue, Michael (who was prone to the frequent spit up), spit up all over the place. Where is a video camera when you need one? The next election memory (even Michael remembers this one) is November 1992, when Bill Clinton won the election. Michael was 2 years old, and he remembers dancing around the den with me in celebration.

This past November was the first election that Michael voted in. The League of Women Voters registered him while he was a senior in high school. Before he went away to college, he filled out an absentee ballot application, so he was able to cast his vote for President of the United States – something that he felt honored and excited to be able to do. It was also a real moment of pride and joy for us, that we reached this milestone, that our child was able to actually be a participant in the democratic process! Even though he was away at college during the campaign season, we texted each other after the debates - sensing that history was in the making.

Although he was not home with us on the night of November 4^th, we shared the historical moment via text (he sent a simple 2 word text “President Obama”). Since he is in Philadelphia, he was able to participate in the historic moment – he and his friends went downtown to Center City to celebrate with the masses of people - just like we saw on TV in cities around the world. He said that it was incredible! The next day, when we spoke, Michael asked me if we danced.

A big “letting go” moment is when your child gets their drivers license. Last year, when I took Michael to Garden City for his road test, I had to stand on the street corner while he was taking his test. Although it was only a few minutes, it felt like forever. That moment when he came out of the car with a smile, waving a piece of paper, I was filled with joy, pride, disbelief and a bit of fear. You really have to have faith when you give your child the car keys! I always breathe a sigh of relief when I hear him coming in the front door.

Letting go – I think we do it as soon as our kids can walk. Everything after that is part of the process of preparing them (and us) to leave the nest to forge their own path. It starts with kindergarten, which can be emotionally wrenching for a parent. Just seeing those little faces on the big school bus on the first day of kindergarten – they look shellshocked, like they don’t know what is going on. But, of course, they come back into our loving arms after a few hours – still needing us for most of their physical and emotional needs. When you send a child off to college, you get perspective on sending them off to kindergarten.

Winter break is just about over and it is time for Michael to go back for his second semester at Penn. The first semester was very successful. We are getting ready to miss him again. Leaving him last August was very difficult, but we did make it out of the dorm room in once piece. Driving home on the NJ Turnpike was another story. But we found that text messaging was a great thing to stay be instantaneously in touch without being intrusive.

It’s great having teenagers! My college freshman son (college students are always looking for free stuff) told me about this site - hulu.com - it has all sorts of tv shows and some movies that you can watch FOR FREE! The catch - you have to watch some advertising. This is all legal and on the up and up.